95 of the Best James Bond 007 Puns, Jokes, Quotes, and One-Liners

007 James Bond puns, quotes and one liners

Dr. No Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Dr. No Puns and One Liners
Honey Ryder: Are you looking for shells?
James Bond: No. I’m just looking.

 

Dr. No Puns and One Liners
James Bond: I think they were on their way to a funeral

 

From Russia With Love Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

From Russia With Love Puns and One Liners
Tatiana Romanova: I think my mouth is too big
James Bond: No, it’s the right size … for me, that is

 

From Russia With Love Puns and One Liners
Tatiana Romanova: Horrible woman!
James Bond: She’s had her kicks

 

Goldfinger Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Goldfinger puns and one liners
Felix Leiter: Where’s your butler friend?
James Bond: Oh, he blew a fuse

 

Goldfinger puns and one liners
James Bond: Shocking. Positively shocking.

 

Goldfinger puns and one liners
Pussy Galore: Where’s Goldfinger?
James Bond: Playing his golden harp.

 

Goldfinger puns and one liners
Pussy Galore: My name is Pussy Galore
James Bond: I must be dreaming

 

Goldfinger puns and one liners
James Bond: Manners Oddjob. I thought you always take your hat off for a lady.

Thunderball Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Thunderball Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Don’t worry. I’ll tell the chef.

 

Thunderball Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She’s just dead.

 

Thunderball Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: I think he got the point.

 

Thunderball Puns and One-Liners
Domino: What sharp little eyes you’ve got
James Bond: Just wait till you get to my teeth

You Only Live Twice Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

You Only Live Twice Puns
Tanaka: You know what it is about you that fascinates them, don’t you? Its the hair on your chest. Japanese men all have beautiful bare skin.
James Bond: Japanese proverb say, “bird never make nest in bare tree.”

 

You Only Live Twice Puns and One-Liners
Tiger: It can save your life, this cigarette
James Bond: You sound like a commercial

 

You Only Live Twice Puns
Tanaka: In Japan, men cone first, women come second.
James Bond: I just may retire here.

 

You Only Live Twice Puns
James Bond: Oh the things I do for England

 

You Only Live Twice Puns
Helga Brandt: I’ve got you now
James Bond: Well, enjoy yourself

 

You Only Live Twice Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Bon appetit

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

On Her Majesty's Secret Service Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: This never happened to the other fella

 

On Her Majesty's Secret Service Puns and One-Liners
Irma Bunt: Is anything the matter, Sir Hillary?
James Bond: Just a slight stiffness coming on.

 

On Her Majesty's Secret Service Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: He had a lot of guts

 

On Her Majesty's Secret Service Puns and One-Liners
Tracy: Suppose I were to kill you – just for a thrill
James Bond: I can think of something more sociable to do

Diamonds Are Forever Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Diamonds are Forever puns and one-liners
James Bond: There’s something I’d like you to get off your chest

 

Diamonds are Forever puns and one-liners
James Bond: Well he certainly left with his tail between his legs

 

Diamonds are Forever puns and one-liners
Plenty: Hi. I’m Plenty
James Bond: But of course you are.
Plenty: Plenty O’Toole
James Bond: Named after your father, perhaps?

 

Diamonds are Forever puns and one-liners
James Bond: As long as the collars and cuffs match

 

Diamonds are Forever puns and one-liners
James Bond: I was out walking my rat and I seem to have lost my way

Live & Let Die Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Live & Let Die Puns and One-Liners
Miss Caruso: Such a delicate touch
James Bond: Sheer magnetism, darling

 

Live & Let Die Puns and One-Liners
Solitaire: Is there time before we go, for lesson number three?
James Bond: Absolutely. There’s no sense in going off half-cocked.

 

Live & Let Die Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Just being disarming, darling

The Man With the Golden Gun Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

The Man With the Golden Gun and One-Liners
James Bond: Speak now or forever hold your piece

 

The Man with the Golden Gun Puns and One-Liners
Saida: I’ve lost my charm
James Bond: Not from where I’m standing

 

The Man with the Golden Gun Puns and One-Liners
Goodnight: I’ll keep the wine properly chilled
James Bond: And everything else warm, I trust?

The Spy Who Loved Me Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

The Spy Who Loved Me Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures

 

The Spy Who Loved Me Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Keeping the British end up

 

The Spy Who Loved Me Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: All those feathers and he still can’t fly

Moonraker Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Moonraker Puns and One-Liners
Drax: Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python?
James Bond: I discovered it had a crush on me.

 

Moonraker Puns and One-Liners
Drax: Desolated, Mr Bond
James Bond: Heartbroken, Mr. Drax

 

Moonraker Puns and One-Liners
Q: I think he’s attempting reentry

For Your Eyes Only Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

For Your Eyes Only Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Forgive me father, for I have sinned
Q: That’s putting it mildly, 007

 

For Your Eyes Only Puns and One-Liners
Bibi: That’s a laugh. He still thinks I’m a virgin
James Bond: Well, put your clothes on. I’ll buy you an ice cream.

Octopussy Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Octopussy Puns and One-Liners
Magda: He suggests a trade. The egg for your life
James Bond: Well, I heard the price of eggs was up … but isn’t that a little high?

 

Octopussy puns and one liners
Kamal Kahn: You have a nasty habit of surviving
James Bond: You know what they say about the fittest

 

Octopussy puns and one liners
Magda: You have a very good memory for faces
James Bond: And figures

 

Octopussy puns and one liners
Magda: It’s for my scrapbook. I collect memories
James Bond: Well, let’s get on with making a few new ones

Never Say Never Again Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Never Say Never Again Puns and One-Liners
Fatima Blush: How reckless of me. I made you all wet.
James Bond: Yes, but my martini is still dry.

 

Never Say Never Again puns quotes and one liners
Largo: Do you lose as gracefully as you win?
James Bond: I don’t know. I’ve never lost.

 

Never Say Never Again puns quotes and one liners
Nurse: I need a urine sample
James Bond: From here?

 

Never Say Never Again puns quotes and one liners
Fatima Blush:Now write this: “The greatest rapture of my life was afforded me on a boat in Nassau by Fatima Blush,” and sign it “James Bond, 007.”
James Bond: I just remembered. It’s against Service policy to give endorsements.

A View to a Kill Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

A View to a Kill Puns and One-Liners
Jenny Flex: I love an early morning ride
James Bond: Well, I’m an early riser myself

 

A View to a Kill Puns and One-Liners
May Day: Someone will take care of you
James Bond: Oh, you’ll see to that personally?

 

A View to a Kill Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: There’s a fly in his soup

 

A View to a Kill Puns and One-Liners
Zorin: You slept well?
James Bond: A little restless but I got off eventually.

 

A View to a Kill Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Don’t worry. It’s all wrapped up.

The Living Daylights Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

The Living Daylights Puns and One-Liners
Kara Milovy: What happened to Necros?
James Bond: He got the boot.

 

The Living Daylights Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: We have an old saying too, Georgi – and you’re full of it

 

The Living Daylights Puns and One-Liners
Kara Milovy: What happened?
James Bond: Salt corrosion

 

The Living Daylights Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: He met his Waterloo

License to Kill Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

License to Kill Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Looks like he came to a dead end

 

License to Kill Puns and One Liners and Quotes
James Bond: Pam, this is Q – my uncle. Q, this is Miss Kennedy, my cousin.
Q: Ah! We must be related.

 

License to Kill Puns and One Liners and Quotes
Perez: What about the money?
Sanchez: Launder it

 

License to Kill Puns and One-Liners
He disagreed with something that ate him

GoldenEye Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

GoldenEye Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: No, no no. No more foreplay.

 

GoldenEye Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: One rises to meet a challenge

 

GoldenEye Puns and One-Liners
Natalya: Do you know how to disarm the weapon?
James Bond: I suppose that depends on what kind of weapon you’re talking about disarming.

 

GoldenEye Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Beg your pardon. I forgot to knock.

 

GoldenEye Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: She always did enjoy a good squeeze

Tomorrow Never Dies Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Tomorrow Never Dies Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: I’m just up here at Oxford brushing up on a little Danish

 

Tomorrow Never Dies Puns and One-Liners
Moneypenny: You always were a cunning linguist

 

Tomorrow Never Dies Puns and One-Liners
M: Remind her. Then pump her for information.
Moneypenny: You’ll just have to decide how much pumping is needed, James.

 

Tomorrow Never Dies Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Backseat driver

 

Tomorrow Never Dies Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: They’ll print anything these days

The World is Not Enough Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

The World is Not Enough Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: I thought Christmas only came once a year!

 

The World is Not Enough Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: If you can’t trust a Swiss banker, what’s the world come to?

 

The World is Not Enough Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: If you’re Q, does that make him R?

 

The World is Not Enough Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: One last screw?

Die Another Day Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Die Another Day Puns and One-Liners
Mr. Kill: I’m Mr. Kill
James Bond: That’s a name to die for

 

Die Another Day Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Time to face gravity

 

Die Another Day Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Saved by the bell

 

Die Another Day Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: I’ve missed your sparkling personality

 

Die Another Day Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: You know you’re cleverer than you look
R: Still, better than looking cleverer than you are.

 

Die Another Day Puns and One-Liners
Verity: I see you handle your weapon well
James Bond: I’ve been known to keep my tip up

Casino Royale Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Casino Royale Puns and One-Liners
Vesper: I’m the money
James Bond: Every penny of it

 

Casino Royale Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: That last hand nearly killed me

 

Casino Royale Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: The whole world’s gonna know that you died scratching my balls

Quantum of Solace Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Quantum of Solace puns and one liners
Mathis: I think she has handcuffs
James Bond: You hope so

 

Quantum of Solace puns and one liners
Felix Leiter: Regimes change once a week down here. Medrano is no dirtier than the next guy.
James Bond: Ah, you see that’s what I like about U.S. intelligence. You’ll lie down with anybody.

Skyfall Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

Skyfall puns and one liners
Sylvia: What has she done to you?
James Bond: Well, she never tied me to a chair

 

Skyfall puns and one liners
Q: Every now and then a trigger has to be pulled
James Bond: Or not pulled. It’s hard to know which in your pajamas.

 

Skyfall puns and one liners
M: Where have you been?
James Bond: Enjoying death.

SPECTRE Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners

SPECTRE Puns and One-Liners
Madeline Swann: Given the choice, why does a man choose the life of an assassin?
James Bond: Well, it was that or the priesthood.

 

SPECTRE Puns and One-Liners
Lucia: What do you do?
James Bond: Life insurance

 

SPECTRE Puns and One-Liners
Madeline Swann: Do you drink?
James Bond: Too much

 

SPECTRE Puns and One-Liners
James Bond: Visionaries … psychiatric wards are full of them

 


Universal Exports is the world’s oldest James Bond fansite.

Established in 1996, it features thousands of pages about the cinematic and literary adventures of Agent 007.

Since it’s inception, UnivEx has been a site for the fans.

That’s why you’re encouraged to submit articles, artwork, or anything else you want to share about James Bond.

Reach out for more info.


Follow UnivEx on Facebook

 

What sharp little eyes you’ve got.

Just wait ’till you get to my teeth.


Latest Intel

Experience the classic UnivEx

a hand-coded 007 art project

Visit the classic Universal Exports

Search the 00-Archives