Never Say Shamelady Again
A James Bond story by Robert Lee
Part one of seven:
Q branch intercepts and decodes a secret message which informs them
that a hit team about to murder a member of the British Royal
family. Moneypenny contacts James Bond and relays the urgent
message that Lady Samantha's life is in real danger. A plane
transports Bond over the ski resort. Then he parachutes down to the
hotel. He gets there just as two assassins kill Lady Samantha's
bodyguards. The killers are just about to terminate her, but James
Bond arrives just in the nick of time and shoots the two thugs dead.
However, Lady Samantha is not is the clear yet. There is a backup
hit team stationed nearby. They move in to attack. James Bond
engages them in a raging gun fight, but his weapon runs out of
Bond and Samantha make a break for it, and run out of the hotel.
Bond sees a parked snowmobile idling. This snowmobile is an extra
large model, designed for training. Bond and Samantha jump into it.
As they do, the student in the snowmobile says, "You're not my
regular instructor. Where's Mr. Bleaker?"
Bond quips, "Indisposed. And you are..."
She answers, "Mrs. Bell."
Bond drives the snowmobile away as fast as possible. However, the
thugs also jump into snowmobiles and chase after 007. They start
shooting at Bond, so he tries to shake them by performing some
extremely dangerous manuevers. These manuevers are so dangerous,
that Mrs. Bell gasps, "Oh, shit!"
The pursuing snowmobiles are not successful in keeping up with Bond.
In fact, they crash and burn. Lady Samantha looks around. Then
she screams, "Helicopter!"
A chopper starts chasing Bond's snowmobile. The occupants of the
helicopter start shooting. Bond moves like greased lightening to
avoid the bullets. Suddenly, Bond has to stop the snowmobile. They
have reached the edge of a cliff. Samantha moans, "Trapped!"
The chopper pilot smiles, and moves in for the kill. Bond then
grabs a flare gun from the snowmobile. He shoots it right into the
chopper. The flare bounces around the cockpit and confuses the
pilot. The chopper crashes and explodes.
Bond drives the snowmobile to the bottom of the slopes. As Bond and
Samantha get out, Bond turns and says, "Same time tomorrow, Mrs.
Mrs. Bell is speechless, petrified with fear. Bond and Samantha get
into Bond's car and drive away. To Bond's dismay, Lady Samantha
cares more about her two broken fingernails than her two bodyguards
that died. In the car, she exhibits aristocratic snobbishness,
saying that Bond should drive more carefully. She continues to nag
him, saying that his double O designation is a license to kill, not
to break the traffic laws. After Bond transports her to a safe
location, he drives away, muttering, "Back seat driver!"
Part two of seven:
The camera displays a very large jet aircraft in flight. Inside a
conference room, Number One is petting his white cat. His face is
hidden from view. He demands an explanation of what went wrong with
phase one of Project Shamelady. Number Eleven addresses the rest of
the table. He assigned his entire department to kill a certain
member of the British Royal family. Number Eleven also planted
evidence, which British Intelligence was supposed to find, after the
assassination. This evidence would have implicated a certain nation
in the Middle East.
Unfortunately, the British Secret Service was more resourceful than
he anticipated. They actually found out about the assassination
attempt, before it even happened. The British were then able to
prevent the assassination.
Number One thinks carefully. He thanks Number Eleven for the
update. Number One presses a key at his desktop computer. This
electrocutes Number Eleven. As Number Eleven's corpse is discarded,
Number One warns the rest of the table not to underestimate their
opponents. Bearing that in mind, he asks Number Twelve if the
backup plan for phase one is ready to go ahead. Number Twelve's
face is hidden from view. He replies that the backup plan is ready
Number One asks Number Thirteen if phase two of Project Shamelady is
ready to go. Number Thirteen's face is hidden from view, but she
answers that phase two is ready to go.
Later, the camera focuses on the streets of Paris, France, late at
night. Lady Deborah of the British Royal Family is in a speeding
limousine, trying to elude some photographers. A motorcycle drives
next the limousine, and shoots the driver with a dart. The drugs in
this dart cause the driver to go insane. The limousine crashes, and
Lady Deborah dies.
Number Twelve radios to Number One, saying they have completed phase
one of Project Shamelady.
Part three of seven:
Focus on the mountainous countryside of Switzerland. Two cars are
having a race. Driving a white lotus is James Bond of the British
Secret Service. Driving a red Ferrari is Jack Wade of the CIA.
They are in constant radio contact with each other, constantly
challenging each other, constantly congratulating each other on
their fast driving.
Bond wins the race, by performing a particularly dangerous maneuver.
Wade declines to duplicate this move. Wade is slightly sore at
losing the race, and says, "Enjoy it while it lasts."
Bond replies, "The very words I live by."
Wade explains he did not want to take a chance getting killed
duplicating such a dangerous move. He has something to look forward
to. When Wade gets to the office later, he is supposed to be
getting a raise and promotion.
Bond replies sullenly that when he gets to the office, he gets a
Bond reports to headquarters. Reluctantly, he shows up at Doctor
Penelope Smallbone's office. Bond gazes at her long blonde hair.
He asks if she wasn't a brunette, the last time they met, when she
was still Moneypenny's assistant. He tends to notice little things
like that, if a woman is a blonde or a brunette.
Penelope is aware of that Bond is trying to seduce her. She bluntly
says, "I never mix business with pleasure."
Bond replies, "Well, neither do I."
Then Bond makes another pass at her, complimenting her clothing. He
says that she is dressed to thrill. However, she retorts, "I don't
dress for the hired help."
Suddenly Moneypenny interupts the session, telling him to report
immediately to M's office. M informs Bond that somebody stole the
Crown Jewels. Bond's mission is to recover them. Bond questions
this assignment. "Surely there is no need to bring in our section on
a straightforward theft."
M replies, "Lady Julia has convinced the PM otherwise."
Part four of seven:
Q gives Bond some assorted goodies for his assignment. Bond makes
the most of these devices, and uncovers clues that lead him to
Australia. He determines former KGB agents committed the theft.
Bond follows up on some more leads, but reaches a dead end.
Bond needs help. Bond calls up his old acquaintance, Zukovsky, for
assistance. Zukovsky is not really interested. Then Bond appeals
to his wallet. There would be a massive reward for helping recover
the Crown Jewels. Inspired by the money, Zukovsky agrees to help.
With Zukovsky's help, Bond tracks the jewels to a secluded airport
in Australia. Bond sets up a video camera, which sends pictures
back to mission control. The camera records that the jewels are
being loaded on to a plane. Bond wants to move in to recover them.
However, back at mission control, both Lady Julia convinces M that
it would be too risky. Mission control tells Bond to hold back. As
the plane takes off, mission control notifies the Air Force to
intercept the plane.
The military aircraft catch up with the plane. However, the plane
explodes in mid-air, and the plane crashes into the Pacific Ocean.
The Crown Jewels are now in itty-bitty pieces at the bottom of the
sea. They are lost forever.
Lady Julia leaves mission control. In a private room, she radios
Number One, saying that she has completed phase two of Project
Part four of seven:
Bond has to report back to headquarters, with his mission a failure.
M orders him to go back to complete his psychological review.
While Bond is on the couch, he mentions that he had never failed yet
on a mission, until now.
Doctor Smallbone views this as the perfect opportunity to explore
the concept of failure. She asks him some personal questions about
the death of his wife, which makes him uneasy. She observes,
Bond replies, "About certain things, yes."
While thinking about how else to respond, a sudden revelation hits
James Bond. It was all a set up job. The Crown Jewels only
appeared to be in a plane that crashed in the Pacific Ocean.
Zukovsky is also in on the set up. Zukovsky pulled a switch.
In fact, Zukovsky most likely has the Crown Jewels right now.
Bond runs out to locate Zukovsky. Doctor Smallbone sighs, and says
softly, "James, you're incorrigible."
Bond tracks down Zukovsky. Bond follows him into his office, sneaks
behind him, and presses a gun to the back of his head. Zukovsky
hears the weapon cocking, and says "Walther PPK. I only know of
three men who use such a weapon, and I believe that I have killed
two of them."
James Bond sneers, "Lucky me."
Bond demands the return of the Crown Jewels. Zukovsky signals a
henchman, hiding in the shadows. That henchman shoots Bond in the
neck with a tranquilizer dart. Bond passes out.
Part five of seven:
When Bond wakes up, he is tied up, sitting in a speeding van.
Zukovsky says that if the authorities believe that the jewels are
lost, then they will stop looking for them. That way, Zukovsky can
sell them to a private collector. Besides, he could never really
turn on his former comrades.
Zukovsky says that he has great respect for 007. Then he mentions
an old Russian saying, "Duty has no sweethearts." Bond replies that
there is old English saying, and that Zukovsky is full of it.
The vans arrive at their destination, a castle in the English
countryside. Zukovsky meets the private collector. Bond recognizes
this collector as Lady Julia. Suddenly Admiral Roebock and an elite
commando unit appear. They get the drop on Zukovsky. They grab the
Crown Jewels and give them to Lady Julia. It is now obvious that
Lady Julia has double crossed Zukovsky. The commandos throw
Zukovsky and his gang into the dungeon.
Next, the Admiral and the Lady focus their attention on Bond. They
brag how they had anticipated his every move. They planted clues
for him to follow to Australia. They knew that 007 would contact
Zukovsky for help. Zukovsky agreed to fool British Intelligence
into believing that the Crown Jewels were lost forever. Zukovsky
and his crew expected to receive a lot of money today, but they are
going to be gravely disappointed.
This is all part of a grand master plan called Operation Shamelady.
The Admiral will apparently recover the Crown Jewels from those
fiends. As a result, he will become a hero, even more famous than
Next, the Admiral and Lady Julia will plant incriminating evidence
against Zukovsky and his gang. This evidence will show that a
Middle Eastern nation hired these former KGB thugs to steal the
Crown Jewels, and also to destroy the British Monarchy with a
Oh yes, they forgot to mention that there is a giant neutron bomb
cannon, hidden in this castle. The former Soviet Union developed
the blueprints for this cannon. However, M's statistical analysis
determined that the Soviets had neither the funds nor the technology
to implement it. Of course, the evidence will show that this Middle
Eastern nation financed the creation of this weapon.
The Admiral will fire this cannon. The payload will land right on
Westminster Abbey, during the Royal Funeral for Lady Deborah. Soon,
Lady Julia will leave for this funeral, but she will be delayed in
traffic. When she finally arrives at Westminster Abbey, the entire
Royal Family will be dead. Then Lady Julia and the Admiral will
become the next King and Queen of England. Finally, just to keep
the British people some purpose in life, they will declare war
against a certain nation in the Middle East.
Bond deduces that the Admiral and Lady Julia could not have planned
and done all this by themselves. They received help from somebody.
He demands to know who are they really working for.
The Admiral says that it does not matter. What matters, is that in
twenty four hours, Julia will be the new Queen of the British
Commonwealth. Bond declares that it would be a terrible tragedy for
Julia to become the new Queen. Bond explains why: "She has a face
like a pig!"
This angers the Admiral, who decides to kill 007. The Admiral says
to a few of his commandos, "Look after Mr. Bond. See that some harm
comes to him."
The commandos grab Bond. As they take him way, he glares at Lady
Julia. He spits out, "Bitch! Your problems are all behind you
After Bond leaves the room, the Admiral presses a switch. This
activates the countdown for the cannon. Then the Admiral snickers,
"God save the Queen."
Part six of seven
Two commandos take Bond outside to execute him. However, Bond
breaks free. He kills them both. From their corpses, 007 grabs the
keys to the dungeon where Zukovsky and his gang are held. Bond
unlocks the dungeon door. He unchains Zukovsky, hands him the keys,
and says, "Free the rest of your crew, then head for the armoury."
They do exactly that. They seize weapons from the armoury. Then
they start a massive gun battle. In the firefight, the neutron
cannon explodes, and the fallout hits Lady Julia. She is turned
into a lifeless blob of quivering jelly. Bond notices this, and
says with delight, "Welcome to Hell, Julia."
Bond engages in a brutal fight with the Admiral. As they wrestle,
Bond gains the upper hand and slowly moves a handgun to point to the
Admiral's head. The Admiral pleads, "Wait! I'm just a
professional, doing a job!"
Bond replies, "So am I." Then he shoots the Admiral dead, right
between the eyes. Bond shoots him once more, proclaiming, "For
After this, Bond looks around. It looks like he is the sole
survivor. He looks for Zukovsky, and finds him, bleeding to death.
Bond tries to console Zukovsky on his bad luck. Zukovsky groans,
"Half of everything in life is luck, my friend."
Bond replies, "And the other half is fate." Bond feels some
compassion for Zukovsky. Bond picks one of the crown jewels and
places it into Zukovsky's hand. Zukovsky understands and
appreciates this gesture of professional courtesy. Then he dies.
Bond closes Zukovsky's eyelids, and says, "No more problems."
The authorities arrive, to investigate all the death and
destruction. They take a look the slimy ooze that used to be Lady
Julia. They ask what happened. Bond innocently says, "I think she
was on her way to a funeral."
Part seven of seven:
Focus on Bond's flat in London, at night. Bond finally got Penelope
Smallbone in bed, and had his way with her. They are now enjoying
some champagne. She gulps down her drink, then she raises her empty
glass to him, and says, "I need refilling."
Bond raises an eyebrow, and pours her some more champagne. Then he
says, "Let's toast your evaluation, shall we?"
Penelope Smallbone wants to ask 007 a very important question about
their relationship. It might seem out of place to ask such a
question, but she wants him to think real carefully before
responding. Bond replies, "That I promise."
Just then, somebody starts pounding at the front door. Bond puts on
his robe, wonders aloud, "You're not married, by any chance?"
Bond answers the door. It is M. Bond is surprised, and asks,
M curtly responds, "Instructions!"
Certain people in high places want to give James Bond a knighthood.
They gave instructions on when to accept the honour, and what
social protocols that Bond must follow. Bond thinks back of the
snobbishness of Lady Samantha. He decides to decline the honour. M
is not surprised. Besides, if he received a knighthood, then all
that recognition would really mess up his undercover assignments.
Meanwhile, Smallbone runs and hides in a closet. Moneypenny also
arrives at Bond's flat, and realizes what is going on. She helps to
conceal from M the details of this intimate session between Bond and
M enters Bond's flat, and congratulates him on a job well done. She
is quite proud of him. She states, "Nobody does it better."
However, there is one small complaint. M mentions that Doctor
Smallbone seems to be missing. Hopefully, she is not lying down on
the job. James advises M not to worry. He is certain that Doctor
Smallbone will complete her evaluation on time. Moneypenny quips,
"And in nauseating detail!"
M and Moneypenny leave. Then, Doctor Smallbone pops out of the
closet. She asks the question: how good was she in bed, compared to
Moneypenny? Bond says that as far as he can remember, he has never
had Moneypenny, but hope springs eternal. Then again, there was
this blonde in Philadelphia...
In the car, M says that she could tell that Doctor Smallbone was in
Bond's flat. In fact, right now, she is probably attempting
re-entry with James Bond. However, since 007 completed his mission
so successfully, M will overlook this indiscretion for now.
Moneypenny looks curiously at M. However, M says, "Don't ask."
Moneypenny regains her composure, and devilishly replies "Don't