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Never Say Shamelady Again

A James Bond story by Robert Lee

Part one of seven:

Q branch intercepts and decodes a secret message which informs them

that a hit team about to murder a member of the British Royal

family. Moneypenny contacts James Bond and relays the urgent

message that Lady Samantha's life is in real danger. A plane

transports Bond over the ski resort. Then he parachutes down to the

hotel. He gets there just as two assassins kill Lady Samantha's

bodyguards. The killers are just about to terminate her, but James

Bond arrives just in the nick of time and shoots the two thugs dead.

However, Lady Samantha is not is the clear yet. There is a backup

hit team stationed nearby. They move in to attack. James Bond

engages them in a raging gun fight, but his weapon runs out of


Bond and Samantha make a break for it, and run out of the hotel.

Bond sees a parked snowmobile idling. This snowmobile is an extra

large model, designed for training. Bond and Samantha jump into it.

As they do, the student in the snowmobile says, "You're not my

regular instructor. Where's Mr. Bleaker?"

Bond quips, "Indisposed. And you are..."

She answers, "Mrs. Bell."

Bond drives the snowmobile away as fast as possible. However, the

thugs also jump into snowmobiles and chase after 007. They start

shooting at Bond, so he tries to shake them by performing some

extremely dangerous manuevers. These manuevers are so dangerous,

that Mrs. Bell gasps, "Oh, shit!"

The pursuing snowmobiles are not successful in keeping up with Bond.

In fact, they crash and burn. Lady Samantha looks around. Then

she screams, "Helicopter!"

A chopper starts chasing Bond's snowmobile. The occupants of the

helicopter start shooting. Bond moves like greased lightening to

avoid the bullets. Suddenly, Bond has to stop the snowmobile. They

have reached the edge of a cliff. Samantha moans, "Trapped!"

The chopper pilot smiles, and moves in for the kill. Bond then

grabs a flare gun from the snowmobile. He shoots it right into the

chopper. The flare bounces around the cockpit and confuses the

pilot. The chopper crashes and explodes.

Bond drives the snowmobile to the bottom of the slopes. As Bond and

Samantha get out, Bond turns and says, "Same time tomorrow, Mrs.


Mrs. Bell is speechless, petrified with fear. Bond and Samantha get

into Bond's car and drive away. To Bond's dismay, Lady Samantha

cares more about her two broken fingernails than her two bodyguards

that died. In the car, she exhibits aristocratic snobbishness,

saying that Bond should drive more carefully. She continues to nag

him, saying that his double O designation is a license to kill, not

to break the traffic laws. After Bond transports her to a safe

location, he drives away, muttering, "Back seat driver!"

Part two of seven:

The camera displays a very large jet aircraft in flight. Inside a

conference room, Number One is petting his white cat. His face is

hidden from view. He demands an explanation of what went wrong with

phase one of Project Shamelady. Number Eleven addresses the rest of

the table. He assigned his entire department to kill a certain

member of the British Royal family. Number Eleven also planted

evidence, which British Intelligence was supposed to find, after the

assassination. This evidence would have implicated a certain nation

in the Middle East.

Unfortunately, the British Secret Service was more resourceful than

he anticipated. They actually found out about the assassination

attempt, before it even happened. The British were then able to

prevent the assassination.

Number One thinks carefully. He thanks Number Eleven for the

update. Number One presses a key at his desktop computer. This

electrocutes Number Eleven. As Number Eleven's corpse is discarded,

Number One warns the rest of the table not to underestimate their

opponents. Bearing that in mind, he asks Number Twelve if the

backup plan for phase one is ready to go ahead. Number Twelve's

face is hidden from view. He replies that the backup plan is ready

to go.

Number One asks Number Thirteen if phase two of Project Shamelady is

ready to go. Number Thirteen's face is hidden from view, but she

answers that phase two is ready to go.

Later, the camera focuses on the streets of Paris, France, late at

night. Lady Deborah of the British Royal Family is in a speeding

limousine, trying to elude some photographers. A motorcycle drives

next the limousine, and shoots the driver with a dart. The drugs in

this dart cause the driver to go insane. The limousine crashes, and

Lady Deborah dies.

Number Twelve radios to Number One, saying they have completed phase

one of Project Shamelady.

Part three of seven:

Focus on the mountainous countryside of Switzerland. Two cars are

having a race. Driving a white lotus is James Bond of the British

Secret Service. Driving a red Ferrari is Jack Wade of the CIA.

They are in constant radio contact with each other, constantly

challenging each other, constantly congratulating each other on

their fast driving.

Bond wins the race, by performing a particularly dangerous maneuver.

Wade declines to duplicate this move. Wade is slightly sore at

losing the race, and says, "Enjoy it while it lasts."

Bond replies, "The very words I live by."

Wade explains he did not want to take a chance getting killed

duplicating such a dangerous move. He has something to look forward

to. When Wade gets to the office later, he is supposed to be

getting a raise and promotion.

Bond replies sullenly that when he gets to the office, he gets a

psychological review.

Bond reports to headquarters. Reluctantly, he shows up at Doctor

Penelope Smallbone's office. Bond gazes at her long blonde hair.

He asks if she wasn't a brunette, the last time they met, when she

was still Moneypenny's assistant. He tends to notice little things

like that, if a woman is a blonde or a brunette.

Penelope is aware of that Bond is trying to seduce her. She bluntly

says, "I never mix business with pleasure."

Bond replies, "Well, neither do I."

Then Bond makes another pass at her, complimenting her clothing. He

says that she is dressed to thrill. However, she retorts, "I don't

dress for the hired help."

Suddenly Moneypenny interupts the session, telling him to report

immediately to M's office. M informs Bond that somebody stole the

Crown Jewels. Bond's mission is to recover them. Bond questions

this assignment. "Surely there is no need to bring in our section on

a straightforward theft."

M replies, "Lady Julia has convinced the PM otherwise."

Part four of seven:

Q gives Bond some assorted goodies for his assignment. Bond makes

the most of these devices, and uncovers clues that lead him to

Australia. He determines former KGB agents committed the theft.

Bond follows up on some more leads, but reaches a dead end.

Bond needs help. Bond calls up his old acquaintance, Zukovsky, for

assistance. Zukovsky is not really interested. Then Bond appeals

to his wallet. There would be a massive reward for helping recover

the Crown Jewels. Inspired by the money, Zukovsky agrees to help.

With Zukovsky's help, Bond tracks the jewels to a secluded airport

in Australia. Bond sets up a video camera, which sends pictures

back to mission control. The camera records that the jewels are

being loaded on to a plane. Bond wants to move in to recover them.

However, back at mission control, both Lady Julia convinces M that

it would be too risky. Mission control tells Bond to hold back. As

the plane takes off, mission control notifies the Air Force to

intercept the plane.

The military aircraft catch up with the plane. However, the plane

explodes in mid-air, and the plane crashes into the Pacific Ocean.

The Crown Jewels are now in itty-bitty pieces at the bottom of the

sea. They are lost forever.

Lady Julia leaves mission control. In a private room, she radios

Number One, saying that she has completed phase two of Project


Part four of seven:

Bond has to report back to headquarters, with his mission a failure.

M orders him to go back to complete his psychological review.

While Bond is on the couch, he mentions that he had never failed yet

on a mission, until now.

Doctor Smallbone views this as the perfect opportunity to explore

the concept of failure. She asks him some personal questions about

the death of his wife, which makes him uneasy. She observes,

"You're sensitive."

Bond replies, "About certain things, yes."

While thinking about how else to respond, a sudden revelation hits

James Bond. It was all a set up job. The Crown Jewels only

appeared to be in a plane that crashed in the Pacific Ocean.

Zukovsky is also in on the set up. Zukovsky pulled a switch.

In fact, Zukovsky most likely has the Crown Jewels right now.

Bond runs out to locate Zukovsky. Doctor Smallbone sighs, and says

softly, "James, you're incorrigible."

Bond tracks down Zukovsky. Bond follows him into his office, sneaks

behind him, and presses a gun to the back of his head. Zukovsky

hears the weapon cocking, and says "Walther PPK. I only know of

three men who use such a weapon, and I believe that I have killed

two of them."

James Bond sneers, "Lucky me."

Bond demands the return of the Crown Jewels. Zukovsky signals a

henchman, hiding in the shadows. That henchman shoots Bond in the

neck with a tranquilizer dart. Bond passes out.

Part five of seven:

When Bond wakes up, he is tied up, sitting in a speeding van.

Zukovsky says that if the authorities believe that the jewels are

lost, then they will stop looking for them. That way, Zukovsky can

sell them to a private collector. Besides, he could never really

turn on his former comrades.

Zukovsky says that he has great respect for 007. Then he mentions

an old Russian saying, "Duty has no sweethearts." Bond replies that

there is old English saying, and that Zukovsky is full of it.

The vans arrive at their destination, a castle in the English

countryside. Zukovsky meets the private collector. Bond recognizes

this collector as Lady Julia. Suddenly Admiral Roebock and an elite

commando unit appear. They get the drop on Zukovsky. They grab the

Crown Jewels and give them to Lady Julia. It is now obvious that

Lady Julia has double crossed Zukovsky. The commandos throw

Zukovsky and his gang into the dungeon.

Next, the Admiral and the Lady focus their attention on Bond. They

brag how they had anticipated his every move. They planted clues

for him to follow to Australia. They knew that 007 would contact

Zukovsky for help. Zukovsky agreed to fool British Intelligence

into believing that the Crown Jewels were lost forever. Zukovsky

and his crew expected to receive a lot of money today, but they are

going to be gravely disappointed.

This is all part of a grand master plan called Operation Shamelady.

The Admiral will apparently recover the Crown Jewels from those

fiends. As a result, he will become a hero, even more famous than


Next, the Admiral and Lady Julia will plant incriminating evidence

against Zukovsky and his gang. This evidence will show that a

Middle Eastern nation hired these former KGB thugs to steal the

Crown Jewels, and also to destroy the British Monarchy with a

special weapon.

Oh yes, they forgot to mention that there is a giant neutron bomb

cannon, hidden in this castle. The former Soviet Union developed

the blueprints for this cannon. However, M's statistical analysis

determined that the Soviets had neither the funds nor the technology

to implement it. Of course, the evidence will show that this Middle

Eastern nation financed the creation of this weapon.

The Admiral will fire this cannon. The payload will land right on

Westminster Abbey, during the Royal Funeral for Lady Deborah. Soon,

Lady Julia will leave for this funeral, but she will be delayed in

traffic. When she finally arrives at Westminster Abbey, the entire

Royal Family will be dead. Then Lady Julia and the Admiral will

become the next King and Queen of England. Finally, just to keep

the British people some purpose in life, they will declare war

against a certain nation in the Middle East.

Bond deduces that the Admiral and Lady Julia could not have planned

and done all this by themselves. They received help from somebody.

He demands to know who are they really working for.

The Admiral says that it does not matter. What matters, is that in

twenty four hours, Julia will be the new Queen of the British

Commonwealth. Bond declares that it would be a terrible tragedy for

Julia to become the new Queen. Bond explains why: "She has a face

like a pig!"

This angers the Admiral, who decides to kill 007. The Admiral says

to a few of his commandos, "Look after Mr. Bond. See that some harm

comes to him."

The commandos grab Bond. As they take him way, he glares at Lady

Julia. He spits out, "Bitch! Your problems are all behind you


After Bond leaves the room, the Admiral presses a switch. This

activates the countdown for the cannon. Then the Admiral snickers,

"God save the Queen."

Part six of seven

Two commandos take Bond outside to execute him. However, Bond

breaks free. He kills them both. From their corpses, 007 grabs the

keys to the dungeon where Zukovsky and his gang are held. Bond

unlocks the dungeon door. He unchains Zukovsky, hands him the keys,

and says, "Free the rest of your crew, then head for the armoury."

They do exactly that. They seize weapons from the armoury. Then

they start a massive gun battle. In the firefight, the neutron

cannon explodes, and the fallout hits Lady Julia. She is turned

into a lifeless blob of quivering jelly. Bond notices this, and

says with delight, "Welcome to Hell, Julia."

Bond engages in a brutal fight with the Admiral. As they wrestle,

Bond gains the upper hand and slowly moves a handgun to point to the

Admiral's head. The Admiral pleads, "Wait! I'm just a

professional, doing a job!"

Bond replies, "So am I." Then he shoots the Admiral dead, right

between the eyes. Bond shoots him once more, proclaiming, "For


After this, Bond looks around. It looks like he is the sole

survivor. He looks for Zukovsky, and finds him, bleeding to death.

Bond tries to console Zukovsky on his bad luck. Zukovsky groans,

"Half of everything in life is luck, my friend."

Bond replies, "And the other half is fate." Bond feels some

compassion for Zukovsky. Bond picks one of the crown jewels and

places it into Zukovsky's hand. Zukovsky understands and

appreciates this gesture of professional courtesy. Then he dies.

Bond closes Zukovsky's eyelids, and says, "No more problems."

The authorities arrive, to investigate all the death and

destruction. They take a look the slimy ooze that used to be Lady

Julia. They ask what happened. Bond innocently says, "I think she

was on her way to a funeral."

Part seven of seven:

Focus on Bond's flat in London, at night. Bond finally got Penelope

Smallbone in bed, and had his way with her. They are now enjoying

some champagne. She gulps down her drink, then she raises her empty

glass to him, and says, "I need refilling."

Bond raises an eyebrow, and pours her some more champagne. Then he

says, "Let's toast your evaluation, shall we?"

Penelope Smallbone wants to ask 007 a very important question about

their relationship. It might seem out of place to ask such a

question, but she wants him to think real carefully before

responding. Bond replies, "That I promise."

Just then, somebody starts pounding at the front door. Bond puts on

his robe, wonders aloud, "You're not married, by any chance?"

Bond answers the door. It is M. Bond is surprised, and asks,

"Insomnia, M?"

M curtly responds, "Instructions!"

Certain people in high places want to give James Bond a knighthood.

They gave instructions on when to accept the honour, and what

social protocols that Bond must follow. Bond thinks back of the

snobbishness of Lady Samantha. He decides to decline the honour. M

is not surprised. Besides, if he received a knighthood, then all

that recognition would really mess up his undercover assignments.

Meanwhile, Smallbone runs and hides in a closet. Moneypenny also

arrives at Bond's flat, and realizes what is going on. She helps to

conceal from M the details of this intimate session between Bond and


M enters Bond's flat, and congratulates him on a job well done. She

is quite proud of him. She states, "Nobody does it better."

However, there is one small complaint. M mentions that Doctor

Smallbone seems to be missing. Hopefully, she is not lying down on

the job. James advises M not to worry. He is certain that Doctor

Smallbone will complete her evaluation on time. Moneypenny quips,

"And in nauseating detail!"

M and Moneypenny leave. Then, Doctor Smallbone pops out of the

closet. She asks the question: how good was she in bed, compared to

Moneypenny? Bond says that as far as he can remember, he has never

had Moneypenny, but hope springs eternal. Then again, there was

this blonde in Philadelphia...

In the car, M says that she could tell that Doctor Smallbone was in

Bond's flat. In fact, right now, she is probably attempting

re-entry with James Bond. However, since 007 completed his mission

so successfully, M will overlook this indiscretion for now.

Moneypenny looks curiously at M. However, M says, "Don't ask."

Moneypenny regains her composure, and devilishly replies "Don't


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