Never Argue With a Woman
A James Bond story by Robert
Billions of tiny lights,
like sparkling jewels, were shining in the
darkness. James Bond caught some fleeting glimpses of
stars through the
portholes of the space
station. He wished that he had the time
admire the view. However, time was a luxury that he did not
have, as a
pair of armed guards
escorted him down the hallway.
It just did not seem
fair. After all he had been through,
after all he
had accomplished, he felt
that he deserved to die on Earth, and not out
here in the cold vacuum of
space. At least he would not die alone.
Handcuffed to Bond was a
beautiful woman, the voluptuous Number Five.
James Bond and Number Five
entered the control room. Scurrying all
technicians. They were dressed in their
white lab coats and
taking directions from the
man at the center of the room, in the raised
chair. James Bond recognized him right away. It was Doctor Scarlet.
Bond, Number Five, and the
two guards approached the doctor. James
could see that his cell
phone, and few other personal effects, were on a
table beside the doctor.
Doctor Scarlet looked down
at them, and smirked. He was enjoying
moment. Number Five glanced out the view port, and
"Wow. What a view."
Doctor Scarlet gloated,
"To a kill! I wanted you two to
missiles launch from
here. They carry a very powerful
poison, but that
poison is active for only 48
Number Five asked, "Is
this the same poison that that my organization
Doctor Scarlet replied,
"Not exactly. I modified the
formula so that it
would only destroy human
life. It will not affect plant
life. It will
not affect other animal
life. In that 48 hours, all human life
He paused for effect, then
he continued, "After that, my people, my
chosen few, will return to
the earth, and live in harmony with nature."
Number Five spat out,
"Our analysts were correct. You really
Doctor Scarlet laughed,
"The difference between insanity and genius is
measured in terms of
"Don’t bother, Number Five. He’s a
Doctor Scarlet chuckled at
that comment. He declared, "Actually,
quite surprised that an
alliance could ever take place between two sworn
enemies: James Bond of the
British Secret Service and Number Five of
SPECTRE. Anyway, it does not matter. By this time tomorrow, both your
organizations will be
Doctor Scarlet opened up a
box, and showed them a set of very sinister
looking knives. He sneered, "Being a man of science, I
looking forward to see what
I can discover, when I torture both of you
Bond and Number Five looked
at each other. She closed her eyes, as
to cry, and then softly
sobbed, "I never though it would end like this."
Bond could tell that the two
guards were softly snickering. Good,
let them feel
overconfident. Bond softly replied,
"We’re not dead yet.
Remember what I said. We’re going to finish this one
Bond noticed the two guards
reacting to their conversation. The
were grinning at each other,
with obvious amusement. Perfect. They
would not be expecting
anything now. Just then, one of the
asked a question to Doctor
Bond quickly seized one of
the knives and stabbed the nearest guard.
The other guard, who was
beside Number Five, turned and aimed his weapon
at Bond. Number Five quickly planted a well-aimed
side kick into that
guard’s throat. With his
larynx crushed, the second guard like a rock.
Bond could see the other
guards responding. He picked up one of
dropped weapons, and
starting blasting away at the other guards.
Number Five picked up the
weapon dropped by the other guard. She
starting spraying the
control room with bullets. Several
exploded. Bond turned and pointed
towards where Doctor
Scarlet had been
sitting. Gone. Doctor Scarlet must have ducked, or
hidden behind something.
There was no time to look
for him. More guards were pouring into
control room. Number Five noticed them, too. Still handcuffed
together, they dashed out of
the control room.
As they ran down the
hallway, they could hear Doctor Scarlet screaming,
"Put those fires
out! You, go after them!"
Alarms starting sounding
throughout the station. Bond and Number
ran down a hallway. Bond saw a couple of more guards straight
He shot them dead. He ran over to them and picked up a
certainly would be easier to
pick up these weapons if he could just get
rid of the handcuffs.
He heard her weapon
discharging. She was shooting at their
Bond looked at dead guards
on the ground in front of him, and he said to
them, "Never argue with
a woman. They’re always right."
Number Five only pretended
to be a dumb blond, but she was one of the
deadliest killing machines
that he ever met. She had picked up
weapon and was gunning down
several more of their pursuers. Just
a massive explosion rocked
the space station. Bond and Number Five
looked at each other. He said, "Just be glad that the
She checked her weapon, and
said, "Otherwise, our bullets would have
shattered them, and we would
have all been sucked into outer space."
Just then, a voice came over
the loud speakers, "All hands, abandon
ship. All hands, abandon ship."
"Obviously, the control room is not bulletproof. We must
have really damaged
Number Five said, "I
believe that Doctor Scarlet has his personal escape
Bond asked, "Where is
Number Five replied,
"Right by the control room."
They both knew what they
meant. Gritting his teeth, Bond said,
They both took a deep
breath, and ran back towards the control room.
There were only a few
pursuers left. Bond and Number Five
dead, and took their
As they reentered the
control room, they saw absolute mayhem.
everywhere. Cables, with sparks flying, were dangling
ceiling. The technicians were scrambling around,
yelling and screaming
Bond moved towards the chair
of Doctor Scarlet. He was not
fact, he was nowhere to be
found. Bond quickly picked up his cell
phone, key chain, and
Bond noticed the first guard
that he killed with the knife. He
pulled out the knife, and
put it into his belt, behind his back.
said to Number Five, "I
think he got the point. Now where is
doctor’s escape pod?"
She squinted her eyes to see
through the smoke. Then she smiled and
Bond and Number Five worked
their way through the chaos. As they
entered the hallway, they
noticed that there were some lights and
controls at the far
end. As they approached it, Number Five
need the entry code!"
Bond asked, "Can you
break that code?"
She started fumbling with
the control panel. She stated, "I
can try. I
just hope that these
controls are not booby trapped."
Just then, James Bond felt
excruciating pain surge through every fiber,
every cell in his body. He dropped his weapon and fell to the
Everything seemed to be
happening in slow motion. As he
get up, he could tell that
Number Five had also been hit by the massive
Just then 007 heard an
insane, diabolical laugh. It was Doctor
Scarlet. He gloated, "Of course it is booby
trapped. Only I would have
the code to get into my
personal escape pod."
He kicked 007 in the
head. Bond flipped around like a wet
Doctor Scarlet walked over
to Number Five who was still on her stomach.
He stomped on her back. Bond
thought that he heard something crack, but
he was not sure. She screamed with pain.
Doctor Scarlet picked up
both their weapons and tossed them away.
he went over and entered the
code to open the door.
Bond struggled to get
up. He could not. The best that he could do was
to get on one knee, and lean
against a wall. Besides, he was still
handcuffed to Number
Five. She was flat on her belly, crying
Doctor Scarlet turned and
looked at them. He reached under his
armpit. He pulled out a handgun. It appeared to be made of solid
gold. He pointed it at 007, and said, "At
least I shall have the
pleasure of putting you out
of my misery."
Bond considered for a moment
how much Doctor Scarlet loved an
audience. That might provide the time for 007 to make
one last move.
Bond reached behind himself,
as if to rub his back in pain. As he
so, he grasped the handle of
the torture knife.
Bond stated, "For an
enlightened man, you surprise me, Doctor Scarlet."
Scarlet replied, "In
Bond asked, "Is that
gun really made of gold? I thought that
perfect society, you would
live in harmony with nature. As a
material wealth, like gold,
would be meaningless!"
Doctor Scarlet triumphantly
smiled, "Yes, it is made of solid gold.
fact, even the bullets are
made of gold. Mr. Bond, you are about
hit by sudden wealth!"
He giggled at his own
joke. The gun wavered momentarily;
his eyes ever so briefly to
That was all the time 007
needed. He quickly pulled out the
threw it. Doctor Scarlet never even saw it
coming. He was still
chuckling when the knife
plunged into his heart.
As the knife entered, Doctor
Scarlet gasped in surprise and dropped his
golden gun. He gazed down in shock at the knife handle
sticking out of
Bond shook his head, and
spat out, "Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a
Doctor Scarlet collapsed in
a lifeless heap. Bond helped Number
get up. She could still walk. They staggered through the doorway of
the escape pod. As Bond looked around inside, Number Five
reached down and picked up
the golden gun. Then she concealed it
James Bond and Number Five
sat down in the pod. They pressed the
buttons to close the hatch,
and then to disengage from the space
station. As they sailed off, they gazed back at the
trembled briefly in the
darkness. Then it blew up into millions
Bond whipped out the key
chain. He placed it into the
Number Five looked on, 007
said, "This actually opens 90% of the world’s
The handcuffs came off. Bond threw them away. Bond rubbed his wrist in
relief. Then he opened up a drawer, glanced inside
and smiled happily,
"Well, maybe I
misjudged Scarlet. Any man who drinks
Dom Perignon 53
cannot be all bad."
James Bond checked the
controls. He reported, "At this
trajectory, we should touchdown
in Karachi. Excellent! I know a good
restaurant in Karachi."
Then Bond embraced Number
Five gave her a long kiss. Bond says,
don’t think I will ever work
with anybody else again."
She smirked, "You are
She whipped the handgun and pointed
it right at 007’s head. She smiled,
Bond? Did you really think that after
with the great James Bond,
that I would give up everything that I ever
worked for, and be converted
to the side of righteousness? Well,
to disappoint you, but not
this woman, not this time. Sorry to
disappoint you even further,
but you are not really that good in bed!"
Bond looked at her with
boredom. "My dear woman, what I
did in bed last
night, I did for King and
Country. You don’t really think that I
any pleasure out of it, do
you? While on a mission, I am expected
Bond looked her over. He realized that there was no way that she
going to break down in
hysterical tears such a cruel remark.
into her eyes. These were the eyes of a killer, of a
enjoyed killing. She just liked to pretend that she was a
Keeping him covered, she
activated the control panel and radioed SPECTRE
headquarters. She reported, "I have terminated the
terrorists led by Doctor
Scarlet. Now I want authorization to
British Secret Service agent
that I teamed up with. He has learned
too much about our
However, the voice from
SPECTRE replied, "Number Five! Do
not kill him
yet. We towed his car out of the parking
lot. We transported it here,
right into SPECTRE
headquarters. We want some secret
technology that is
inside his car. We have tried to get inside, but we cannot. Make him
tell you how to open the
She looked into his
eyes. She tilted her head slightly,
with a curious
look on her face, and asked,
"Well, how do you open it?"
Bond answered, "My cell
phone can open the car. All I have to
press recall, three,
send. Let me show you…"
"No!" She screamed. She pressed the gun barrel against 007’s head.
She reached into his pocket,
and slowly withdrew the phone. She
examined it for a moment,
and started to operate it.
Just then, the cell phone’s
anti-theft device discharged. She
surprised. Bond quickly grabbed the golden gun, and
twisted it towards
She struggled in vain. Then she pleaded, "Wait! I am just a
professional, doing a
Bond surly replied,
He pulled the trigger. A very loud bang rang through the escape
Her body went tense for a
moment, then it trembled slightly, then it
Bond looked down at her
corpse, and he hated himself. She was
beautiful woman, so young
and intelligent. Killing men was one
but killing women was
something that he could never get used to.
>From the radio, he could
hear SPECTRE headquarters. They were
to know what was going
on. Bond picked up his cell phone. Very
deliberately, he entered the signal that activated the
mechanism. For this mission, Q packed
A very, very powerful
explosion took place. Radio contact
SPECTRE headquarters and the
escape pod. To nobody in particular,
quipped, "Don’t tell me
that you’re not insured."
Bond switched off the
radio. He sat back in his chair and he
drink. He said to himself, "Turn it neat. No ice."
As the escape pod slowly
floated down to Mother Earth, he decided that
he could finish the mission
later. He would take this opportunity,
sit back, relax, and enjoy
the view. It had been a long day at the