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Never Argue With a Woman

A James Bond story by Robert Lee

August 1999


Billions of tiny lights, like sparkling jewels, were shining in the

darkness.  James Bond caught some fleeting glimpses of stars through the

portholes of the space station.  He wished that he had the time to

admire the view.  However, time was a luxury that he did not have, as a

pair of armed guards escorted him down the hallway.


It just did not seem fair.  After all he had been through, after all he

had accomplished, he felt that he deserved to die on Earth, and not out

here in the cold vacuum of space.  At least he would not die alone.

Handcuffed to Bond was a beautiful woman, the voluptuous Number Five.


James Bond and Number Five entered the control room.  Scurrying all

about, were technicians.  They were dressed in their white lab coats and

taking directions from the man at the center of the room, in the raised

chair.  James Bond recognized him right away.  It was Doctor Scarlet.


Bond, Number Five, and the two guards approached the doctor.  James Bond

could see that his cell phone, and few other personal effects, were on a

table beside the doctor.


Doctor Scarlet looked down at them, and smirked.  He was enjoying the

moment.  Number Five glanced out the view port, and casually remarked,

"Wow.  What a view."


Doctor Scarlet gloated, "To a kill!  I wanted you two to see the

missiles launch from here.  They carry a very powerful poison, but that

poison is active for only 48 hours."


Number Five asked, "Is this the same poison that that my organization



Doctor Scarlet replied, "Not exactly.  I modified the formula so that it

would only destroy human life.  It will not affect plant life.  It will

not affect other animal life.  In that 48 hours, all human life on Earth

will perish."


He paused for effect, then he continued, "After that, my people, my

chosen few, will return to the earth, and live in harmony with nature."


Number Five spat out, "Our analysts were correct.  You really are quite



Doctor Scarlet laughed, "The difference between insanity and genius is

measured in terms of success."


Bond interjected, "Don’t bother, Number Five.  He’s a psychopath."


Doctor Scarlet chuckled at that comment.  He declared, "Actually, I am

quite surprised that an alliance could ever take place between two sworn

enemies: James Bond of the British Secret Service and Number Five of

SPECTRE.  Anyway, it does not matter.  By this time tomorrow, both your

organizations will be history."


Doctor Scarlet opened up a box, and showed them a set of very sinister

looking knives.  He sneered, "Being a man of science, I am really

looking forward to see what I can discover, when I torture both of you

to death."


Bond and Number Five looked at each other.  She closed her eyes, as if

to cry, and then softly sobbed, "I never though it would end like this."


Bond could tell that the two guards were softly snickering.  Good, good,

let them feel overconfident.  Bond softly replied, "We’re not dead yet.

Remember what I said.  We’re going to finish this one together."


Bond noticed the two guards reacting to their conversation.  The guards

were grinning at each other, with obvious amusement.  Perfect.  They

would not be expecting anything now.  Just then, one of the technicians

asked a question to Doctor Scarlet.


Bond quickly seized one of the knives and stabbed the nearest guard.

The other guard, who was beside Number Five, turned and aimed his weapon

at Bond.  Number Five quickly planted a well-aimed side kick into that

guard’s throat. With his larynx crushed, the second guard like a rock.


Bond could see the other guards responding.  He picked up one of the

dropped weapons, and starting blasting away at the other guards.


Number Five picked up the weapon dropped by the other guard.  She

starting spraying the control room with bullets.  Several monitors and

control panels exploded.  Bond turned and pointed towards where Doctor

Scarlet had been sitting.  Gone.  Doctor Scarlet must have ducked, or

hidden behind something.


There was no time to look for him.  More guards were pouring into the

control room.  Number Five noticed them, too.  Still handcuffed

together, they dashed out of the control room.


As they ran down the hallway, they could hear Doctor Scarlet screaming,

"Put those fires out!  You, go after them!"


Alarms starting sounding throughout the station.  Bond and Number Five

ran down a hallway.  Bond saw a couple of more guards straight ahead.

He shot them dead.  He ran over to them and picked up a weapon.  It

certainly would be easier to pick up these weapons if he could just get

rid of the handcuffs.


He heard her weapon discharging.  She was shooting at their pursuers.

Bond looked at dead guards on the ground in front of him, and he said to

them, "Never argue with a woman.  They’re always right."


Number Five only pretended to be a dumb blond, but she was one of the

deadliest killing machines that he ever met.  She had picked up another

weapon and was gunning down several more of their pursuers.  Just then,

a massive explosion rocked the space station.  Bond and Number Five

looked at each other.  He said, "Just be glad that the portholes are



She checked her weapon, and said, "Otherwise, our bullets would have

shattered them, and we would have all been sucked into outer space."


Just then, a voice came over the loud speakers, "All hands, abandon

ship.  All hands, abandon ship."


Bond declared, "Obviously, the control room is not bulletproof.  We must

have really damaged it."


Number Five said, "I believe that Doctor Scarlet has his personal escape



Bond asked, "Where is it?"


Number Five replied, "Right by the control room."


They both knew what they meant.  Gritting his teeth, Bond said, "Right."


They both took a deep breath, and ran back towards the control room.

There were only a few pursuers left.  Bond and Number Five shot them

dead, and took their weapons.


As they reentered the control room, they saw absolute mayhem.  Smoke was

everywhere.  Cables, with sparks flying, were dangling from the

ceiling.  The technicians were scrambling around, yelling and screaming

in confusion.


Bond moved towards the chair of Doctor Scarlet.  He was not there.  In

fact, he was nowhere to be found.  Bond quickly picked up his cell

phone, key chain, and wallet.


Bond noticed the first guard that he killed with the knife.  He quickly

pulled out the knife, and put it into his belt, behind his back.  Bond

said to Number Five, "I think he got the point.  Now where is the good

doctor’s escape pod?"


She squinted her eyes to see through the smoke.  Then she smiled and

pointed, "There!"


Bond and Number Five worked their way through the chaos.  As they

entered the hallway, they noticed that there were some lights and

controls at the far end.  As they approached it, Number Five said, "We

need the entry code!"


Bond asked, "Can you break that code?"


She started fumbling with the control panel.  She stated, "I can try.  I

just hope that these controls are not booby trapped."


Just then, James Bond felt excruciating pain surge through every fiber,

every cell in his body.  He dropped his weapon and fell to the ground.

Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.  As he struggled to

get up, he could tell that Number Five had also been hit by the massive

electrical discharge.


Just then 007 heard an insane, diabolical laugh.  It was Doctor

Scarlet.  He gloated, "Of course it is booby trapped.  Only I would have

the code to get into my personal escape pod."


He kicked 007 in the head.  Bond flipped around like a wet blanket.

Doctor Scarlet walked over to Number Five who was still on her stomach.

He stomped on her back. Bond thought that he heard something crack, but

he was not sure.  She screamed with pain.


Doctor Scarlet picked up both their weapons and tossed them away.  Then

he went over and entered the code to open the door.


Bond struggled to get up.  He could not.  The best that he could do was

to get on one knee, and lean against a wall.  Besides, he was still

handcuffed to Number Five.  She was flat on her belly, crying with pain.


Doctor Scarlet turned and looked at them.  He reached under his left

armpit.  He pulled out a handgun.  It appeared to be made of solid

gold.  He pointed it at 007, and said, "At least I shall have the

pleasure of putting you out of my misery."


Bond considered for a moment how much Doctor Scarlet loved an

audience.   That might provide the time for 007 to make one last move.

Bond reached behind himself, as if to rub his back in pain.  As he did

so, he grasped the handle of the torture knife.


Bond stated, "For an enlightened man, you surprise me, Doctor Scarlet."


Scarlet replied, "In what way?"


Bond asked, "Is that gun really made of gold?  I thought that in your

perfect society, you would live in harmony with nature.  As a result,

material wealth, like gold, would be meaningless!"


Doctor Scarlet triumphantly smiled, "Yes, it is made of solid gold.  In

fact, even the bullets are made of gold.  Mr. Bond, you are about to be

hit by sudden wealth!"


He giggled at his own joke.  The gun wavered momentarily; Scarlet closed

his eyes ever so briefly to snicker.


That was all the time 007 needed.  He quickly pulled out the knife, and

threw it.  Doctor Scarlet never even saw it coming.  He was still

chuckling when the knife plunged into his heart.


As the knife entered, Doctor Scarlet gasped in surprise and dropped his

golden gun.  He gazed down in shock at the knife handle sticking out of

his chest.


Bond shook his head, and spat out, "Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a



Doctor Scarlet collapsed in a lifeless heap.  Bond helped Number Five to

get up.  She could still walk.  They staggered through the doorway of

the escape pod.  As Bond looked around inside, Number Five quickly

reached down and picked up the golden gun.  Then she concealed it on her



James Bond and Number Five sat down in the pod.  They pressed the

buttons to close the hatch, and then to disengage from the space

station.  As they sailed off, they gazed back at the station.  It

trembled briefly in the darkness.  Then it blew up into millions of

fiery fragments.


Bond whipped out the key chain.  He placed it into the handcuffs.  As

Number Five looked on, 007 said, "This actually opens 90% of the world’s



The handcuffs came off.  Bond threw them away.  Bond rubbed his wrist in

relief.   Then he opened up a drawer, glanced inside and smiled happily,

"Well, maybe I misjudged Scarlet.  Any man who drinks Dom Perignon 53

cannot be all bad."


James Bond checked the controls.  He reported, "At this speed and

trajectory, we should touchdown in Karachi.  Excellent!  I know a good

restaurant in Karachi."


Then Bond embraced Number Five gave her a long kiss.  Bond says, "I

don’t think I will ever work with anybody else again."


She smirked, "You are so right!"


She whipped the handgun and pointed it right at 007’s head.  She smiled,

"Surprised, Commander Bond?  Did you really think that after sleeping

with the great James Bond, that I would give up everything that I ever

worked for, and be converted to the side of righteousness?  Well, sorry

to disappoint you, but not this woman, not this time.  Sorry to

disappoint you even further, but you are not really that good in bed!"


Bond looked at her with boredom.  "My dear woman, what I did in bed last

night, I did for King and Country.  You don’t really think that I got

any pleasure out of it, do you?  While on a mission, I am expected to

sacrifice myself!"


Bond looked her over.  He realized that there was no way that she was

going to break down in hysterical tears such a cruel remark.  He peered

into her eyes.  These were the eyes of a killer, of a monster who

enjoyed killing.  She just liked to pretend that she was a weak,

helpless female.


Keeping him covered, she activated the control panel and radioed SPECTRE

headquarters.  She reported, "I have terminated the environmental

terrorists led by Doctor Scarlet.  Now I want authorization to kill the

British Secret Service agent that I teamed up with.  He has learned far

too much about our organization."


However, the voice from SPECTRE replied, "Number Five!  Do not kill him

yet.  We towed his car out of the parking lot.  We transported it here,

right into SPECTRE headquarters.  We want some secret technology that is

inside his car.  We have tried to get inside,  but we cannot.  Make him

tell you how to open the car."


She looked into his eyes.  She tilted her head slightly, with a curious

look on her face, and asked, "Well, how do you open it?"


Bond answered, "My cell phone can open the car.  All I have to do is

press recall, three, send.  Let me show you…"


"No!"  She screamed.  She pressed the gun barrel against 007’s head.

She reached into his pocket, and slowly withdrew the phone.  She

examined it for a moment, and started to operate it.


Just then, the cell phone’s anti-theft device discharged.  She gasped in

surprised.  Bond quickly grabbed the golden gun, and twisted it towards

her head.


She struggled in vain.  Then she pleaded, "Wait!  I am just a

professional, doing a job!"


Bond surly replied, "Me, too."


He pulled the trigger.  A very loud bang rang through the escape pod.

Her body went tense for a moment, then it trembled slightly, then it

went limp.


Bond looked down at her corpse, and he hated himself.  She was such a

beautiful woman, so young and intelligent.  Killing men was one thing,

but killing women was something that he could never get used to.


>From the radio, he could hear SPECTRE headquarters.  They were demanding

to know what was going on.  Bond picked up his cell phone.  Very

carefully, very deliberately, he entered the signal that activated the

car’s self-destruct mechanism.  For this mission, Q packed some extra

high explosives.


A very, very powerful explosion took place.  Radio contact ended between

SPECTRE headquarters and the escape pod.  To nobody in particular, Bond

quipped, "Don’t tell me that you’re not insured."


Bond switched off the radio.  He sat back in his chair and he poured a

drink.  He said to himself, "Turn it neat.  No ice."


As the escape pod slowly floated down to Mother Earth, he decided that

he could finish the mission later.  He would take this opportunity, to

sit back, relax, and enjoy the view.  It had been a long day at the







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